This story is another collab with my good mate punchhisnuts, and is based on a recreation of a bust from the movie Baby Geniuses, albeit featuring a very different protagonist and antagonist.
25 year-old tradie Will sat sweating in the
summer’s heat as he took a sip from his fourth beer can of the night. It had
been a long day at work in the blistering Australian sun, and he had been
looking forward to a comfortable night in with his girlfriend and (if she let
him) hopefully catch the Friday night football game.
Will had been so focused on the end of his long workweek
that it had totally slipped his mind that his girlfriend and her mother were
heading out to see a musical that night in the city and that he would actually
be spending the night babysitting his girlfriend’s 12-year-old brother Jordan.
Although at first disappointed by this reminder
when he had walked in the door and spotted the kid sitting in the living room,
the night had actually turned out alright so far for Will. He and Jordan had
ordered pizza in, he’d been able to crack open the box of beers he’d had
sitting in the fridge, and with no girlfriend to protest he’d have no trouble
watching the game instead of whatever romcom was playing on the other channel.
Yeah, he’d landed a pretty sweet deal when he
thought about it; and the fact he now didn’t have to take his girlfriend to a
musical? Score! Will was enjoying the
opportunity to get to bond with the little guy anyway. I mean at 12 years of
age Jordan was still in that perfect age range where he still had to do
whatever Will said (beer refill anyone?), but was old enough that he didn’t
need to be observed religiously for fear of going missing or choking on
something lying about the house. ‘Yep’ Will thought to himself, ‘this is gonna
be one low maintenance night’, he chuckled as he took another swig of his beer
and half paid attention to the episode of Family Guy Jordan was watching on TV.
Across the living room, Jordan glared at the oaf of
a dude her sister was dating. Sitting there on the couch in his singlet and
footy shorts, clearly sweating all over the place despite setting up the room’s
only fan so that it blew almost exclusively in his direction. Jordan could
never quite work out young adult men – especially the ones his
sister dated. They were always just so, well he didn’t really know how to describe it
but they were always just very…
Will leaned back into the sofa and not-so-subtly
adjusted his crotch before letting out an unnecessarily loud belch.
… gross. They were just such dudes, such bros, such fucking
arseholes. Not that Jordan thought any of them every really meant to piss
him off so much. They were all easygoing blokes really, just honest men who liked
to work hard, drink beer, watch football and presumably have sex with his
sister.
And to be
honest, Jordan didn’t really mind them in small doses. They’d often share a
laugh, watch TV together, and sometimes he’d even learn a thing or two from
them, and then usually after a while his sister would get bored and move on, or
if really necessary he’d figure out a way to get rid of them… and the voila! No
more bland, bro-ish guy hanging around nearly 24/7.
The
problem with Will was that he just wouldn’t leave. Most of his sister’s other
boyfriends had been lucky to make it a couple of months, but this guy had now
been seeing her for years. And to make matters worse, he was probably
the most insufferable of all the dudes his sister had ever dated. The way he would
always make Jordan fetch him a beer from the fridge, the way he’d aggressively
ruffle his hair, the way he’d so fervently call him “buddy”; oh, that made
Jordan’s blood boil – he wasn’t Will’s fricking buddy!
Will
tossed his empty beer can to the side of the couch and looked over at Jordan
expectantly. “Hey bud, beer o’clock” he winked. Jordan groaned.
“Oh come
on mate, don’t give me that. When you’re my age you’ll find your own 12
year-old to get beers for you. That’s just the circle of life” Will said.
“Ugh,
fine” said Jordan getting up from his chair. “Can I at least have another
Coke?”
“Nah, you
heard your big sis, bro. Only one Coke with dinner.”
“So let
me get this straight, you get to have as many beers as you want but I’m stuck
with one measly glass of Coke all night.” Jordan shot back
Will
shrugged and raised his arms “Them’s the rules”
Jordan
huffed miserably and hauled himself off to the kitchen to fetch Will another
beer can. What a dickbag he was, seriously, who was he to be ordering Jordan
around like this anyway?
As Jordan
grabbed the can out of the fridge he suddenly had a devilish idea. He grasped
the can as hard as he could and he shook it violently for as long as he thought
he could get away with before Will would notice anything was up. He slipped
back into the living room and passed Will his beverage.
“Thanks
bud” said Will as he cracked open his drink. Jordan stood back in anticipation
and was not disappointed as his 25-year-old nemesis was soaked in an explosive,
frothy spray of beer. Jordan stood there laughing his ass off. “Ah fuck!” Will
spat, wiping beer out of his eyes.
“You
little shit! You think that’s funny?” Will yelled angrily as he stood up
huffing, peeling his singlet off and wringing it out into a nearby pot plant.
“I’m
sorry, it was totally an accident. Maybe you should get your own beer next
time.” Jordan clapped back, innocently smiling as Will glared at him.
“Yeah
whatever, point made bud.” Responded Will, tossing his damp singlet to the
ground and slopping back down on the couch, shirtless and pissed off.
Jordan
observed him for a second, he wasn’t a bad looking guy; clearly all the work on
the building site and at the gym was paying off for him. He had decent pecs, no
abs but a firm and flat stomach, decent arms too. Frankly, he was a good deal
more attractive than most of his sister’s other boyfriends which might explain
why she was still with him.
If Jordan
was going to get him out of the way, he needed something a bit more extreme
than his usual antics. This guy wasn’t going to go just because his sister’s
little brother was annoying him; nah, he was in way too deep to break the
relationship off over something that trivial. Jordan was going to have to think
bigger. Luckily for him though, he had a near encyclopedic knowledge of kids’
film and television – it had played a huge role in his life growing up, and he
always loved how they could come up with a seemingly endless list of scenarios
that would serve as the great equaliser between powerless kids and the bad
guys, especially douchey boyfriends.
He thought
through all the films he could think of. Home Alone? Too elaborate. Monster
House? Too supernatural. K-911? Eh.. he didn’t have a dog hanging around.
Jordan was
looking around the room for inspiration when his eyes landed on a partially
covered copy of Chillfactor, a skiing magazine Will and Jordan’s sister had
brought back from their ski trip last winter.
Jordan
remembered how much of a deal Will had made about that trip, how he’d bought all
the expensive gear for the both of them instead of just hiring it… in fact,
Jordan was pretty sure his sister’s skis were still sitting in her closet
upstairs; and that’s when he recalled his favourite scene from the movie Baby
Geniuses. Jordan’s eyes lit up and he carefully plotted through each step
of his plan in intricate detail all the while studying the movements of his
sister’s sulky boyfriend whose eyes were glued to the TV screen as the Friday
night football game started.
Jordan
noticed how there was no waistband protruding from Will’s footy shorts, a sign
the hapless tradie was freeballing after a long day working in the heat. His
shorts were also clearly very old from all the stains, clearly something he’d
been hanging onto since he was a teenager, suggesting that the fabric mustn’t
be too resilient. Jordan smiled wickedly as he decided to put his plan into
action.
“Hey,
look Will, I’m really sorry about that prank. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll
fetch you another beer if you promise not to tell my sister and my mum.” Jordan
offered, a pleading look in his eyes.
Will
sighed and appeared to contemplate the offer. “Ah okay, no hard feelings mate”
he replied, offering a genuine smile at Jordan’s unexpected show of contrition.
Jordan hopped up quickly and dashed for the kitchen.
“Thanks buddy” Will said gratefully as he reached out to ruffle Jordan’s hair
in what Will had always thought was a show of brotherly love for the young guy.
“Ah, he’s
a good kid” Will muttered to himself as he scratched his chest, the kick-off
happening on screen. He was totally unaware that the triple whammy of calling
Jordan ‘buddy’, ruffling his hair, and having him fetch a beer had all just
sealed his fate.
Once in
the kitchen, Jordan went straight to work, at first going not for the fridge
but the junk drawer where he retrieved a tube of superglue. Aided by the
darkness in the living room, the overwhelming volume Will had set the TV to for
the footy, Will’s general drunken demeanour, and Will’s overly-wide manspread
on the couch, Jordan was able to execute the first stage of his plan
flawlessly.
He
crawled across the living room until he was right at Will’s feet and peered up
over the couch. Gingerly, he crept closer until he could reach his hand over
the edge of the couch and ever so gently squirted some of the glue onto the
spot where the crotch of Will’s shorts met the couch.
Without
even the slightest reaction from Will, Jordan crawled back out of the room
undetected. He then ran upstairs and fetched one his sister’s skis from her
closet laying it out on the stairs, he also grabbed a stuffed teddy and kept it
lying by the banister. He then sprinted back downstairs and finished off his
plan by emptying half a can of beer down the sink before replacing it with milk
that was a good couple of days past its use by.
“Aw fuck
off ref, are you blind!?” Will yelled at the screen clearly disgruntled. Jordan
entered the living room, “here you go, I even cracked it open for you” he said
with a smile as he passed Will the drink.
“Ah
thanks buddy” Will mumbled, his eyes fixated on the game. Jordan took a step
back towards the doorway in anticipation as he watched Will slowly raise the can
to his lips.
Jordan
started a countdown in his head “3… 2… 1…”
PFFFFFTTTPPPFFF!!!
“WHAT THE
FUCK!?”
Will spat
the drink out, dropping the can to the floor and turning to face Jordan with
disgusted rage. “You’re fucking dead kid!” He yelled as he leapt off of the
lounge.
*RRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPP*
Just as
Jordan had intended, Will’s old, baggy shorts ripped at the crotch as the force
of his jump tore the fabric clean off leaving it still glued to the couch. His
big, meaty balls flopping out of the hole and dangling perfectly.
“You
can’t catch me!” Jordan yelled goading on Will as he disappeared out of the
room and up the stairs. Will stared down at his crotch in a bewildered mix of
bafflement and confusion, but only had a brief second to process what had
happened before he had to run off to catch the little pervert.
“YOU
LITTLE SHIT!” He screamed, racing towards the stairs ready to knock this bratty
kid down a peg. When Will got to the bottom of the stairs he scoffed at what he
saw.
“Come and
get me!” Jordan yelled from the top, Will having spotted the obvious trap ski
that had been laid out.
Will let
out an audible chuckle as he menacingly began to make his way up the stairs,
one step at a time towards Jordan who stood smiling with one hand behind his
back.
“Did your
sister ever tell you that I’m a black belt kid?” Will began to muse “Do you really
wanna try me?”
Despite
his menacing tone, Jordan noticed that Will was swaying ever so slightly with
each step; a clear sign that his alcohol consumption was starting to catch up
with him. He just kept smiling quietly as he waited for Will to get to the
right step on the stairs.
“So, I
guess you expect me to what… just wander over this ski up here and then you’ll jump
on that end and it’ll bounce up and hit me in the gonads, and then I’ll scream
and make a funny face and fall down the stairs?” Will asked aloud, smirking at
the stupidity of this all.
Jordan
kept on smiling away enjoying the drunken oaf’s increasing arrogance and eyeing
the bottom of his jiggling balls through the gaping hole in his shorts.
“Well
bud, I gotta tell you, I think you’ve been watching too many bad movies” Will
continued as he reached the step where the curved end of the ski was placed. “Cause
I’m just gonna go around the ski” Will took a side step so that both of his
feet were placed on the right side of the ski.
He
stopped for a moment to smirk and looked Jordan in the eye. “Just how…” he
paused drunkenly, then let out a deep beer-induced burp… “Just how stupid do
you think I am?”
Jordan
merely grinned back at his sister’s menacing boyfriend before throwing the
harmless stuffed toy he had been holding behind his back directly at Will.
Will,
being too drunk to process whether the object being hurled at him was
threatening or not quickly hopped out of the way, inadvertently stepping his
left foot onto the other side of the ski.
He looked
up to see a gleeful looking Jordan smiling back at him “pretty stupid!” the
younger kid laughed before jumping down on the opposite end of the ski.
Will
blinked and looked down but it was too late…
*SMACK*
The
pointed end of the ski shot up with incredible velocity, entered the hole in
the bottom of Will’s shorts and painfully crashed into his dangling nuts.
Will’s abdomen scrunched up and he hunched over, knees buckling as his mind
began to process the pain radiating from his groin.
Before he
could fully react, Jordan again jumped forcefully on his end of the ski.
*SMACK!!*
Will’s
eyes crossed inwards and his mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ shape as he slowly let
out a series of strained, deep, guttural groans causing Jordan to laugh, openly
mocking the owned male.
Sweat
dripped off of Will’s nose and his eyes started to glass over when his legs
finally gave way sending the stricken lad tumbling back down the stairs, crash
landing in a heap at the bottom.
Jordan
slowly put away the ski before making his way down the stairs, observing Will
as he buried his hand in his crotch and let out a series of high pitched
half-sobs half-groans, his eyes watering and his face turning beet red. He
loved the way Will’s strong manly arms and his powerful male chest were flexing
and heaving as his muscular legs squirmed and twitched; even though he was a
fully grown male in his prime, it was clear that he had been completely
defeated by a mere child.
Jordan
struggled to contain his laughter as Will let out a defeated squeak as another
wave of pain washed over him and his stomach started to scrunch up. Jordan was
proud to see the balls Will was so desperately cupping in his hands were red
and swollen… “dumb asshole” Jordan thought to himself aloud.
“You
won’t be ordering me around for a long time” Jordan winked as he approached the
crippled man before him on the floor. “Will you Will?”
Will
looked back at him, scared and in tremendous pain. “You… you stay away from
me!” he squeaked back.
“Or what
Will? You gonna run off crying to my sister? Tell her that you got beat up by
her 12 year old brother? I don’t think so…”
Will
gulped.
Jordan
reached out and ruffled Will’s short hair as best as he could “thanks for
babysitting me tonight bro” he joked, and turned as if to walk off.
Halfway
to the door of the living room, Jordan turned on his heels unable to resist one
final punt.
“Hey
Will, seeing as you like football so much…” Jordan trailed off, eyeing the
bulging sack in Will’s open palm.
He squinted
one eye, took aim and sprinted towards Will.
“Woah…
woah.. what are you….” Will started to sputter when suddenly Jordan swung his
left leg back and sent his sneaker-clad foot flying straight into his already
battered sack that he’d been cupping in his hand with a sickening splat.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Will screamed at the top of his lungs before
falling immediately silent and motionless.
With that one mighty kick, Jordan had managed to achieve what Will had always boasted none of the lads at the MMA gym could do to him – knock him out.
Sensing
the opportunity to really make sure Will would be gone forever, Jordan quickly
ran to the living room and grabbed each of Will’s discarded, crushed up beer
cans and scattered them around his lifeless form.
He then
sprinted to the kitchen and emptied every single can left in the fridge,
crunched them up and added them to the collection. The poor guy didn’t stand a
chance. With one click on his phone, Jordan had the perfect image of Will lying
passed out surrounded by about 20 empty beer cans.
He texted
the photo through to his sister “look how drunk your boyfriend got after just 2
hours!” he said. “WTF???” His sister responded, “I’ll be home soon! Never letting
that asshole anywhere near you or this house ever again!!”
Jordan
smiled wickedly and went off to the living room flicking the channel over from
the footy to more Family Guy, content in the knowledge nobody would ever
believe his sister’s big, dumb, drunk boyfriend.
