Evil Jordan pt. 1 - Will

This story is another collab with my good mate punchhisnuts, and is based on a recreation of a bust from the movie Baby Geniuses, albeit featuring a very different protagonist and antagonist.

25 year-old tradie Will sat sweating in the summer’s heat as he took a sip from his fourth beer can of the night. It had been a long day at work in the blistering Australian sun, and he had been looking forward to a comfortable night in with his girlfriend and (if she let him) hopefully catch the Friday night football game.

 

Will had been so focused on the end of his long workweek that it had totally slipped his mind that his girlfriend and her mother were heading out to see a musical that night in the city and that he would actually be spending the night babysitting his girlfriend’s 12-year-old brother Jordan.

 

Although at first disappointed by this reminder when he had walked in the door and spotted the kid sitting in the living room, the night had actually turned out alright so far for Will. He and Jordan had ordered pizza in, he’d been able to crack open the box of beers he’d had sitting in the fridge, and with no girlfriend to protest he’d have no trouble watching the game instead of whatever romcom was playing on the other channel.

 

Yeah, he’d landed a pretty sweet deal when he thought about it; and the fact he now didn’t have to take his girlfriend to a musical? Score!  Will was enjoying the opportunity to get to bond with the little guy anyway. I mean at 12 years of age Jordan was still in that perfect age range where he still had to do whatever Will said (beer refill anyone?), but was old enough that he didn’t need to be observed religiously for fear of going missing or choking on something lying about the house. ‘Yep’ Will thought to himself, ‘this is gonna be one low maintenance night’, he chuckled as he took another swig of his beer and half paid attention to the episode of Family Guy Jordan was watching on TV.

 

Across the living room, Jordan glared at the oaf of a dude her sister was dating. Sitting there on the couch in his singlet and footy shorts, clearly sweating all over the place despite setting up the room’s only fan so that it blew almost exclusively in his direction. Jordan could never quite work out young adult men – especially the ones his sister dated. They were always just so, well he didn’t really know how to describe it but they were always just very…

 

Will leaned back into the sofa and not-so-subtly adjusted his crotch before letting out an unnecessarily loud belch.

 

… gross. They were just such dudes, such bros, such fucking arseholes. Not that Jordan thought any of them every really meant to piss him off so much. They were all easygoing blokes really, just honest men who liked to work hard, drink beer, watch football and presumably have sex with his sister.

 

And to be honest, Jordan didn’t really mind them in small doses. They’d often share a laugh, watch TV together, and sometimes he’d even learn a thing or two from them, and then usually after a while his sister would get bored and move on, or if really necessary he’d figure out a way to get rid of them… and the voila! No more bland, bro-ish guy hanging around nearly 24/7.

 

The problem with Will was that he just wouldn’t leave. Most of his sister’s other boyfriends had been lucky to make it a couple of months, but this guy had now been seeing her for years. And to make matters worse, he was probably the most insufferable of all the dudes his sister had ever dated. The way he would always make Jordan fetch him a beer from the fridge, the way he’d aggressively ruffle his hair, the way he’d so fervently call him “buddy”; oh, that made Jordan’s blood boil – he wasn’t Will’s fricking buddy!

 

Will tossed his empty beer can to the side of the couch and looked over at Jordan expectantly. “Hey bud, beer o’clock” he winked. Jordan groaned.

“Oh come on mate, don’t give me that. When you’re my age you’ll find your own 12 year-old to get beers for you. That’s just the circle of life” Will said.

“Ugh, fine” said Jordan getting up from his chair. “Can I at least have another Coke?”

“Nah, you heard your big sis, bro. Only one Coke with dinner.”

“So let me get this straight, you get to have as many beers as you want but I’m stuck with one measly glass of Coke all night.” Jordan shot back

Will shrugged and raised his arms “Them’s the rules”

Jordan huffed miserably and hauled himself off to the kitchen to fetch Will another beer can. What a dickbag he was, seriously, who was he to be ordering Jordan around like this anyway?

 

As Jordan grabbed the can out of the fridge he suddenly had a devilish idea. He grasped the can as hard as he could and he shook it violently for as long as he thought he could get away with before Will would notice anything was up. He slipped back into the living room and passed Will his beverage.

 

“Thanks bud” said Will as he cracked open his drink. Jordan stood back in anticipation and was not disappointed as his 25-year-old nemesis was soaked in an explosive, frothy spray of beer. Jordan stood there laughing his ass off. “Ah fuck!” Will spat, wiping beer out of his eyes.

“You little shit! You think that’s funny?” Will yelled angrily as he stood up huffing, peeling his singlet off and wringing it out into a nearby pot plant.

 

“I’m sorry, it was totally an accident. Maybe you should get your own beer next time.” Jordan clapped back, innocently smiling as Will glared at him.

 

“Yeah whatever, point made bud.” Responded Will, tossing his damp singlet to the ground and slopping back down on the couch, shirtless and pissed off.

 

Jordan observed him for a second, he wasn’t a bad looking guy; clearly all the work on the building site and at the gym was paying off for him. He had decent pecs, no abs but a firm and flat stomach, decent arms too. Frankly, he was a good deal more attractive than most of his sister’s other boyfriends which might explain why she was still with him.

 

If Jordan was going to get him out of the way, he needed something a bit more extreme than his usual antics. This guy wasn’t going to go just because his sister’s little brother was annoying him; nah, he was in way too deep to break the relationship off over something that trivial. Jordan was going to have to think bigger. Luckily for him though, he had a near encyclopedic knowledge of kids’ film and television – it had played a huge role in his life growing up, and he always loved how they could come up with a seemingly endless list of scenarios that would serve as the great equaliser between powerless kids and the bad guys, especially douchey boyfriends.

 

He thought through all the films he could think of. Home Alone? Too elaborate. Monster House? Too supernatural. K-911? Eh.. he didn’t have a dog hanging around.

Jordan was looking around the room for inspiration when his eyes landed on a partially covered copy of Chillfactor, a skiing magazine Will and Jordan’s sister had brought back from their ski trip last winter.

 

Jordan remembered how much of a deal Will had made about that trip, how he’d bought all the expensive gear for the both of them instead of just hiring it… in fact, Jordan was pretty sure his sister’s skis were still sitting in her closet upstairs; and that’s when he recalled his favourite scene from the movie Baby Geniuses. Jordan’s eyes lit up and he carefully plotted through each step of his plan in intricate detail all the while studying the movements of his sister’s sulky boyfriend whose eyes were glued to the TV screen as the Friday night football game started.

 

Jordan noticed how there was no waistband protruding from Will’s footy shorts, a sign the hapless tradie was freeballing after a long day working in the heat. His shorts were also clearly very old from all the stains, clearly something he’d been hanging onto since he was a teenager, suggesting that the fabric mustn’t be too resilient. Jordan smiled wickedly as he decided to put his plan into action.

“Hey, look Will, I’m really sorry about that prank. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll fetch you another beer if you promise not to tell my sister and my mum.” Jordan offered, a pleading look in his eyes.

 

Will sighed and appeared to contemplate the offer. “Ah okay, no hard feelings mate” he replied, offering a genuine smile at Jordan’s unexpected show of contrition. Jordan hopped up quickly and dashed for the kitchen.

“Thanks buddy” Will said gratefully as he reached out to ruffle Jordan’s hair in what Will had always thought was a show of brotherly love for the young guy.

 

“Ah, he’s a good kid” Will muttered to himself as he scratched his chest, the kick-off happening on screen. He was totally unaware that the triple whammy of calling Jordan ‘buddy’, ruffling his hair, and having him fetch a beer had all just sealed his fate.

 

Once in the kitchen, Jordan went straight to work, at first going not for the fridge but the junk drawer where he retrieved a tube of superglue. Aided by the darkness in the living room, the overwhelming volume Will had set the TV to for the footy, Will’s general drunken demeanour, and Will’s overly-wide manspread on the couch, Jordan was able to execute the first stage of his plan flawlessly.

 

He crawled across the living room until he was right at Will’s feet and peered up over the couch. Gingerly, he crept closer until he could reach his hand over the edge of the couch and ever so gently squirted some of the glue onto the spot where the crotch of Will’s shorts met the couch.

 

Without even the slightest reaction from Will, Jordan crawled back out of the room undetected. He then ran upstairs and fetched one his sister’s skis from her closet laying it out on the stairs, he also grabbed a stuffed teddy and kept it lying by the banister. He then sprinted back downstairs and finished off his plan by emptying half a can of beer down the sink before replacing it with milk that was a good couple of days past its use by.

 

“Aw fuck off ref, are you blind!?” Will yelled at the screen clearly disgruntled. Jordan entered the living room, “here you go, I even cracked it open for you” he said with a smile as he passed Will the drink.

 

“Ah thanks buddy” Will mumbled, his eyes fixated on the game. Jordan took a step back towards the doorway in anticipation as he watched Will slowly raise the can to his lips.

Jordan started a countdown in his head “3… 2… 1…”

 

PFFFFFTTTPPPFFF!!! “WHAT THE FUCK!?”

 

Will spat the drink out, dropping the can to the floor and turning to face Jordan with disgusted rage. “You’re fucking dead kid!” He yelled as he leapt off of the lounge.

 

*RRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPP*

 

Just as Jordan had intended, Will’s old, baggy shorts ripped at the crotch as the force of his jump tore the fabric clean off leaving it still glued to the couch. His big, meaty balls flopping out of the hole and dangling perfectly.

 

“You can’t catch me!” Jordan yelled goading on Will as he disappeared out of the room and up the stairs. Will stared down at his crotch in a bewildered mix of bafflement and confusion, but only had a brief second to process what had happened before he had to run off to catch the little pervert.

 

“YOU LITTLE SHIT!” He screamed, racing towards the stairs ready to knock this bratty kid down a peg. When Will got to the bottom of the stairs he scoffed at what he saw.

 

“Come and get me!” Jordan yelled from the top, Will having spotted the obvious trap ski that had been laid out.

 

Will let out an audible chuckle as he menacingly began to make his way up the stairs, one step at a time towards Jordan who stood smiling with one hand behind his back.

 

“Did your sister ever tell you that I’m a black belt kid?” Will began to muse “Do you really wanna try me?”

 

Despite his menacing tone, Jordan noticed that Will was swaying ever so slightly with each step; a clear sign that his alcohol consumption was starting to catch up with him. He just kept smiling quietly as he waited for Will to get to the right step on the stairs.

 

“So, I guess you expect me to what… just wander over this ski up here and then you’ll jump on that end and it’ll bounce up and hit me in the gonads, and then I’ll scream and make a funny face and fall down the stairs?” Will asked aloud, smirking at the stupidity of this all.

 

Jordan kept on smiling away enjoying the drunken oaf’s increasing arrogance and eyeing the bottom of his jiggling balls through the gaping hole in his shorts.

 

“Well bud, I gotta tell you, I think you’ve been watching too many bad movies” Will continued as he reached the step where the curved end of the ski was placed. “Cause I’m just gonna go around the ski” Will took a side step so that both of his feet were placed on the right side of the ski.

 

He stopped for a moment to smirk and looked Jordan in the eye. “Just how…” he paused drunkenly, then let out a deep beer-induced burp… “Just how stupid do you think I am?”

 

Jordan merely grinned back at his sister’s menacing boyfriend before throwing the harmless stuffed toy he had been holding behind his back directly at Will.

 

Will, being too drunk to process whether the object being hurled at him was threatening or not quickly hopped out of the way, inadvertently stepping his left foot onto the other side of the ski.

 

He looked up to see a gleeful looking Jordan smiling back at him “pretty stupid!” the younger kid laughed before jumping down on the opposite end of the ski.

 

Will blinked and looked down but it was too late…

 

*SMACK*

 

The pointed end of the ski shot up with incredible velocity, entered the hole in the bottom of Will’s shorts and painfully crashed into his dangling nuts. Will’s abdomen scrunched up and he hunched over, knees buckling as his mind began to process the pain radiating from his groin.

 

Before he could fully react, Jordan again jumped forcefully on his end of the ski.

 

*SMACK!!*

 

Will’s eyes crossed inwards and his mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ shape as he slowly let out a series of strained, deep, guttural groans causing Jordan to laugh, openly mocking the owned male.

 

Sweat dripped off of Will’s nose and his eyes started to glass over when his legs finally gave way sending the stricken lad tumbling back down the stairs, crash landing in a heap at the bottom.

 

Jordan slowly put away the ski before making his way down the stairs, observing Will as he buried his hand in his crotch and let out a series of high pitched half-sobs half-groans, his eyes watering and his face turning beet red. He loved the way Will’s strong manly arms and his powerful male chest were flexing and heaving as his muscular legs squirmed and twitched; even though he was a fully grown male in his prime, it was clear that he had been completely defeated by a mere child.

 

Jordan struggled to contain his laughter as Will let out a defeated squeak as another wave of pain washed over him and his stomach started to scrunch up. Jordan was proud to see the balls Will was so desperately cupping in his hands were red and swollen… “dumb asshole” Jordan thought to himself aloud.

 

“You won’t be ordering me around for a long time” Jordan winked as he approached the crippled man before him on the floor. “Will you Will?”

 

Will looked back at him, scared and in tremendous pain. “You… you stay away from me!” he squeaked back.

 

“Or what Will? You gonna run off crying to my sister? Tell her that you got beat up by her 12 year old brother? I don’t think so…”

 

Will gulped.

 

Jordan reached out and ruffled Will’s short hair as best as he could “thanks for babysitting me tonight bro” he joked, and turned as if to walk off.

 

Halfway to the door of the living room, Jordan turned on his heels unable to resist one final punt.

 

“Hey Will, seeing as you like football so much…” Jordan trailed off, eyeing the bulging sack in Will’s open palm.

 

He squinted one eye, took aim and sprinted towards Will.

 

“Woah… woah.. what are you….” Will started to sputter when suddenly Jordan swung his left leg back and sent his sneaker-clad foot flying straight into his already battered sack that he’d been cupping in his hand with a sickening splat.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Will screamed at the top of his lungs before falling immediately silent and motionless.

 

With that one mighty kick, Jordan had managed to achieve what Will had always boasted none of the lads at the MMA gym could do to him – knock him out.

 

Sensing the opportunity to really make sure Will would be gone forever, Jordan quickly ran to the living room and grabbed each of Will’s discarded, crushed up beer cans and scattered them around his lifeless form.

 

He then sprinted to the kitchen and emptied every single can left in the fridge, crunched them up and added them to the collection. The poor guy didn’t stand a chance. With one click on his phone, Jordan had the perfect image of Will lying passed out surrounded by about 20 empty beer cans.

 

He texted the photo through to his sister “look how drunk your boyfriend got after just 2 hours!” he said. “WTF???” His sister responded, “I’ll be home soon! Never letting that asshole anywhere near you or this house ever again!!”

 

Jordan smiled wickedly and went off to the living room flicking the channel over from the footy to more Family Guy, content in the knowledge nobody would ever believe his sister’s big, dumb, drunk boyfriend.